How many 'sides' do you have?

Having fun w/ nephews & nieces

OK, so that may seem like a strange question to you (and no, "round is a shape" doesn't count as an answer)!

What I mean is this... I don't know about you, but depending on what responsibility I have, what job/activity I am doing, what my health is, or other factors, certain parts of my personality are unconciously subdued or filtered out while other parts show much more strongly (or even exclusively) - except to those who know me extremely well, and can see more 'sides' of me at once, despite my words or facial expressions at the moment.

For example, when I first moved here and didn't know the language, I immediately lost my ability to communicate with subtle humor, which was a big part of my personality. I love subtle, dry humor, but without knowing the language, I totally lost that part of me from the first day here. I also had to concentrate and focus so hard on what people said in order to understand them, that I became much more serious and quiet than is my true nature in order to just survive... Add to that a much more direct culture than where I lived before, and my already overly direct side soon strangled what indirect communication skills were left - which also led to being more serious and forceful than I really meant to be (along with the rough language skills enhancing that tendency).

Overwhelmed at camp

And after 4 years here, despite learning 2 languages at the same time and communicating okay most of the time, I see that unfortunately, my humorous, fun-loving side is still mostly suppressed and not seen by many people, except for rare times or circumstances...partly b/c I still have not mastered enough of the subtleties of these difficult, complex languages, partly b/c I am still shy with most people whom I don't know extremely well and with whom I feel totally comfortable, and partly b/c I have had a lot of extra responsibility and pressure with my current vocation as well as the hugh stress of being a foreigner under constant scrutiny and judgement/condemnation from almost everyone around me, no matter how much progress I've made.

Then, for example, the work I am doing also influences which side is more visible. I find that when I have to be in charge of a project or have to do something by myself (which is more often than not here), that I tend to be all hard work and no fun...not on purpose, but b/c I want to do the job to the very best of my ability and that requires 100% of me and usually leaves no time for goofing off. (For those of you who knew me as a child or teen, and haven't seen me more recently, you've probably rarely seen the serious side of me. And those of you who've only known me more recently probably haven't often seen the silly, fun-loving side of me.) The same is true when I feel responsible for someone or something (which is most of the time here)...or when I am sick (which has also been the case more often than not these past few years) and as a result, I don't have the extra energy required to relax and not be in emergency/survival mode.

Yes, this is a torch - fun!

Tonight, after going to the theatre with friends (1st time ever here) and then going afterwards to a friend's house for a late dinner with friends and being sleepy all day, I found myself in rare humor - my silly mode had finally kicked in (a very rare thing these past 4 years). While waiting for the marshrutka home with another friend, we were just joking around and laughing like crazy and I thought, "man, it's been so long since I've just cracked up and let loose and been funny and not had to be serious and responsible for someone or something or in charge of a project or people or help someone!" It felt so good to just let loose and be a little hyper for once and be able to goof around and not have to worry about rushing off to a meeting, taking care of other people, fixing someone's injury/illness, setting up/leading/tearing down a game, planning a project, being overwhelmed by an enourmous amount of work, or constantly sick, etc... It was also really nice to laugh *with* someone rather than being constantly laughed at for my frequent mispronunciations and grammatical errors (I can be rather creative with words - and totally by mistake, but boy do I get sick of being laughed at every day!).

I really regret that I haven't shown this side of myself more often with my friends (especially when the serious side of me is naturally a smaller part of who I am than the fun-loving side). I think maybe people would feel less intimidated and more at ease if they saw that inside I am really not the super-serious, all work and no play responsible person whom they so often see. 4 years ago, I almost instantly became way too much of an "all work, no play" person, rather than the well-balanced, "work hard, play hard" person which I used to be before moving here (one who would hold serious work meetings outside as a picnic to make them fun instead of boring, one who would frequently organize 15 minute work-break soccer or frisbee games with co-workers to de-stress and re-charge for the afternoon's work, one who would often gather co-workers to the local river for a swim and swing on a rope swing as our lunch break and come back to work dripping wet, one who would get co-workers together to go rollerblading or biking during lunch, one who would play paintball on the weekends with friends, wear shorts in the winter, etc., etc., etc....).

How to rectify this situation, while still having a lot of responsibility/work and not having anywhere near as much energy/health as I've had the rest of my life prior to these past few years, I'm not sure, but it sure would be nice to once again be my complete, more well-balanced "work hard, play hard" self, and motivate others to be the same, if possible!!!!