Often we perceive someone, judging them as if they were just like us, thinking and reasoning like us, motivated like us, and feeling like us. We understand ourselves better than anyone else and it's natural to assume that everyone else sees the world like us and thinks like us. However, more often than not, that's not the case... I do this all the time w/o even realizing it, sometimes with hilarious or disastrous results. How often do we say something, only to see that the person to whom we were speaking totally misunderstood, because we automatically assumed that he thinks just like we think and we didn't take the time to understand him? Sometimes this can be really funny, but more often than not, it puts up false barriers between ourselves and others. Usually these snafus occur simply because we don't really know the other person well enough to understand him or how he thinks. By default, we view him as if he were us...it's only natural.
There once was a man whom I only saw once a week, on Sundays. I was under his leadership and my impression of him in the beginning was not very favorable. He was intimidating and critical and demanding (or so I thought). I didn't dislike him, but I didn't particularly like him either. I wouldn't have chosen him as a traveling companion or someone to just hang out with. In short, I viewed him through dark-coloured glasses, without even realizing it. I only saw negative in him. But then, I had the opportunity to work side-by-side with him on a project for 10 days, sweating in the hot sun all day long. And those 10 days were a total catharsis in my perception of him. He never changed what he said or did, but for the first time, I saw his heart, his true self, and saw that he had a good, kind, gentle heart, despite his apparent "bark." The longer we worked together, the more my perception of him changed and the more and more I grew to like him and enjoy hanging around him. In getting to really know him for who he was, I put off the dark-coloured glasses and put on clear, unbiases ones. After that project, when the next Sunday rolled around, I was no longer intimidated by his gruffness or felt criticised by his admonitions of us to do better and to strive for perfection. Instead, I finally saw, with unbiased view, the twinkle in his eyes and the smile at the corners of his mouth and the kindness and love he had for all of us. I finally understood that he really cared about us and only wanted us to learn and to do our best. Ever since then, when others complained about his scary "bark", I came to his defense - he had no "bite" (nor bark really). In just 10 short days, he had changed from someone I'd almost avoid to someone I really enjoyed hanging around and joking with - but actually, he didn't change a whit, I did. I had learned to see his true self. I had learned the valuable skill of seeking to see other people's hearts, rather than to make pat assumptions based on outward impressions or on how I would act or think.
I'll never forget what I learned all those years ago, nor how wrong first or casual impressions usually are. The degree that I don't really know someone, is the degree that I mis-judge them and see them through dark-coloured glasses instead of unbiased clear ones. It's not easy to put aside those dark-coloured glasses for clear ones, and it takes a lot of effort to make this a perpetual habit, but it sure makes life a lot more pleasant and true! :-)
A phrase my parents used to say comes in handy with this: "give them the benefit of the doubt." -- assume the positive rather than the negative about someone and you may just be surprised about how much rosier and happier the world seems! 8-)
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