At such times I feel that everything I do, don't do, say, don't say, think, don't think, wear, don't wear is judged by the unwritten, unvoiced expectations of others (and expectations which they hold higher for me than for themselves or others like them). This often happened in school or work mostly because of my faith or my heritage/culture being different from others. Also, after moving to a new place it happens - but mostly before people come to know and love and accept one for who one is.
I find that it is still often this way for me, even with people I've known for several years. Every time they or someone new come for a visit, I feel enormous pressure to meet their unknown expectations, no matter how I may have "wowed" them in the past with my cooking or cleaning or other "abilities" to be "normal" and up to par as a hostess in their eyes. I am so tired of feeling this pressure and trying to live up to unknown expectations. Partly, it is a pressure I put on myself, because I care what my friends think about me and want to please them and make things comfortable for them when they visit. But partly, it is a real pressure because my guests very often judge me and comment on what I do or don't do, according to their unvoiced expectations and whether I measure up. So, there is real judgment (not necessarily condemnation) every time people come for a visit, comparing me to their ideas of what is considered normal. If I tried to please everyone all the time, I'd go crazy trying to "prove" myself when so many people have different ideas of normal and what is expected anyway (and if the expectations are not voiced, one can't try to measure up very successfully).
Which brings me to an important point... In the end, trying to please others is a dead-end road filled with stress, pressure, and needless worry. I believe that if someone truly is a real friend, then that friendship is unconditional, not based on performance (past, present, or future). But, oh how rare is true friendship, if it means unconditional acceptance of a friend with their failings, foibles, and disappointing us at times! However, there is such a friend, one who loves continually, unconditionally, and never condemns. In God's word it says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (I John 4:18 - NIV). The fear of punishment with friends is the fear of disappointing them or not meeting their expectations and being found wanting. The fear of punishment with God is of eternal consequences for our earthly actions...
For me, Jesus is such a friend and when I feel the pressure of people's unvoiced expectations, I must remind myself that I have a friend who never condemns me, with whom I can totally be myself and never fear punishment or judgment. And no matter what I do, he loves me the same as always. When I remind myself of this truth, it gives me hope and encouragement in the midst of the pressure of being under the microscope of people's scrutiny. In the end, when I live to please God, I am far more likely to please people than when I try to please people and forget about pleasing God. And if in any case, people aren't pleased...then in the end it really only matters what God thinks, since he is the one who judges our actions, thoughts, and words and compares us against a known standard. I like to remind myself of what is written in God's word concerning my attitude and who I am really working to please, "Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and the Master you are serving is Christ." (Colossians 3:23-24) and "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." (Colossians 3:17)
While it is hard at times to realize this on an emotional level when under pressure, in any case, reminding myself of the reality of this truth helps to defuse the extra stress and focus on what is truly important. And if people think less of me for not meeting their unvoiced expectations when I am doing my very best, well it's not like I can't do any better than my best anyway. And in any case, judgmental people are not the best kind of people to be with on a regular basis - their negative, judgmental attitude rubs off (and that's definitely not something I want to gain). Now wouldn't it be nice if a lot fewer people were judgmental?! Well, I guess it always starts with ones' self - so I can be one fewer judgmental, stress-inducing person in the world (hey, now wouldn't it be nice if that rubbed off?!) :-)
1 comment:
Here's to non-judgmental people Saron, I feel your Word. Trudy
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